Sunday, November 23, 2008
There is something for everyone in this fair city, but some people don't have it so lucky. These poor souls who grow up in small towns tend to not see the fine line between what's okay and just plain shameful behavior. I'm not trying to knock growing up in a small town, but I lived in the middle of bumfuck nowhere New Mexico (Roswell) for four years and to be honest, I just can't understand the appeal other than a nice place to settle down when you want to die (aka retirement).
Not many parties are thrown here. In fact, I don't think we even have a bar other than ones in the chain restaurants; Farley's, Applebees, Chilis...yeah. Most parties were thrown in hotel rooms by the military school's students, and on more than one occasion they would be broken up by police and reported to the school. There was one time a few people went in on a storage unit and had a fully stocked bar, or that one bubble party where you wear clothes you don't care about and everyone is dancing and covered in bath bubbles...but those sucked.
I know. Crazy. Would it not shock you to find that 70% of middle schoolers there had gonorrehea? Or that a significant number of high school students had kids? Yeah.
Believe you me, I went on a lot of "dates" when I went to school, but they really weren't considered that and besides, it was never with anyone outside of the school. I had standards (okay, not really. My first boyfriend was from Roswell but he went to military school so that evens out, right?).
However, the most embarrassing moment that the intense amount of therapy has let me to remember was when I was having dinner with my dad. Not a date (I'm not FROM the south, just went to school there).
The summer in between my senior year of high school and freshman year of college was awful. Having graduated from a military school I forced myself to go to based on the fact that I needed to improve my grades, I was finally free, in California, and wanted to stay. My dad on the other hand wanted me to go to junior college there as well. Let me tell you that the entire summer I kicked, screamed, and threw tantrums about not going back. Nothing would work. My dad promised to buy me a car, a new flat screen computer moniter, whatever else I wanted, and a large piece of jewelry that he bought when I was born.
To be honest? I went back so he would shut the fuck up. I got a call during the summer from my commander asking me to come back because the person they had promoted in my place originally wasn't going to be attending any longer. Thanks assholes! I'm glad I'm the second choice. No wait--third. Fourth? I hate you.
On the plane ride over, something just wasn't right. My throat was a bit scratchy, and when we landed and got Dairy Queen as a snack, it hurt even more. About 12 hours later, my throat was full blown inflammed and I could hardly put any food down without feeling like someone was stabbing me in the jugular. Maybe this was fate? Maybe it was God's way of saying, "This physical pain is only the beginning. Imagine how fucked up emotionally you're going to get too! Good job on selling yourself out to please your parents." Whatever it was, I wasn't focused because I was too busy dying.
My dad stayed in town for about two weeks to make sure I got better, and I stayed in the hotel room for the first week until they forced me to stay in the barracks at night. During that first week, he decided it would be nice to take me out to dinner somewhere close so I wouldn't have to travel in pain--and that place, was Applebees.
We sat down and my eyes hung open like I had just come off a heroin binge. I was in so much agony that each swallow caused tears to well up and my body would start shaking uncontrollably to get my mind off of it. Tonight, I was going to have water and soup, and holding my spoon halfway through dinner started becoming increasingly more difficult and I would have to stop to take breaks.
You would think that this dinner was already unbearable--to be in the middle of a packed restaurant, shaking, crying, moaning in pain and arguing with my dad about going back to school (even though we were already there). Well no, apparently it wasn't enough.
I look over and there is a Bachelorette party at the table next to us.
Does Britney Spears live here? What are they doing having a bachelorette party at an Applebees? Do they not know that Juarez is only a 2 1/2 hour drive from here, and they can do whatever they want there? Am I the only one who is crazy enough to see that this doesn't look right!? One of these things does not belong: father and daughter having dinner, Applebees, food, bachelorette party.
Soon they were yelling, hooting, hollering, and generally helping the bride-to-be spend her last free night trying to find someone to have sex with and it wouldn't be considered cheating. And honestly, what better way to do this than opening up gifts at the table!
Do you know what goes into bachelorette party gifts? I was 17, I had no idea. I'm from California, where people don't get married unless they truly have to, and all my friends were gay anyways so back then they couldn't get married (and not anymore, either. sigh), and we didn't call those "bachelorette parties" we called them "sneaking into the strip club where this would be acceptable behavior" Wednesday nights.
So here I am, trying to build up the last amount of energy and courage I had to finish my food when a bunch of rowdy drunk bitches start waving around giant dildos at their table and wacking each other with them. Let's all forget that there are kids here too, ladies. Have fun using your presents when you stop putting out for your husband and he starts "working late" and wearing lipstick for the "fun of it". I'm going to go stab myself now.
No, Dad I don't want dessert.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Almost a year ago I went on a date with someone we'll nickname "Tall Guy" (or TG for short, because he was 6'5''), and from the very beginning it was doomed. When we met, he had to practically carry my inebriated self down to the BART station and make sure I didn't throw up or fall asleep, or miss my train. The second date we went to a nice Moroccan restaurant my friend Kiki had taken me to before, and one of the waiters came up and made conspicuous winks, thumbs up-ed our dinner and told us he was going to dim the lights to "set the mood." The second date, we went to a crappy bar in the Mission and an amazing mexican place for a late night soak-up-the-alcohol snack. It was during this excursion that, with my mouth open, I exclaimed how delicious the burrito was and food kept falling out of my mouth. I am so classy.
The icing on the cake, though, would have to be the time we went to a very high end restaurant called Top of the Mark in Nob Hill. A beautiful hotel with a gorgeous view overlooking the city on a clear night is the perfect way to set the tone for the rest of the evening. Well, that's what it's intended to do.
The night started, as all bad dates do, on a terrible note. My boss' boss called me at 5:45 to tell me that the printers in every other office in the Bay Area have all simultaneously broken down, and we had a major conference the next day and needed to print things out. Of course, I was also the only one left in the office, and there were two reports I had to print out (10 and 12 pages apiece, respectively), 250 copies of one, 350 of another. For the next two hours I tirelessly ran around the office trying to speed the process up; one printer even kept breaking down. "Maybe we should plan this for another night...", he said. "NO! I mean...no it's okay, I'm looking forward to it. I just want to make sure my company knows that I'm dedicated to my job so that I don't get fired randomly."
Somehow I caught a ride to the BART station with one of my coworkers who always stays late, and frantically ran up the stairs, bought my ticket, and nearly killed myself running down the stairs as well. I can't remember, but I think I missed that train, too. Once arriving at the Powell Street Station, I could tell that the one day I forgot to wear deodorant was a bad idea. Also, there are about a million exits, I couldn't navigate myself out of a box if my life depended on it, and total time traveling and working I ended up being 3 1/2 hours late to my date.
Forgiveness aside, we catch a cab to the hotel and take the long flight up the elevator to the top. Upon arrival I see that the general manager of Top of the Mark is an old boss of mine, whom I developed a lovely aquantianceship with during my short tenure at my ex place of business. When we sat down at a table with a gorgeous view, we ordered our drinks (on the house, courtesy of my wonderful ex boss) and got started with the evening.
Not changing the subject, but during this particular period in my life, I was under heavy amounts of stress and thus stopped eating as a result. I lost 15 pounds and would drink myself under the table, frequently passing out in bar bathrooms and vomiting all over the place. I'm not going to lie when I say I'm a tad ashamed at my behavior, but when you let your exboyfriend take the car that you paid for, was in your name, out of the goodness of your heart because he threatened to hurt himself everytime you tried taking it away from him, as long as the deal remained that he would drive you to and from work everyday, then chances are you're going to develop some kind of unhealthy addiction. Mine was alcoholism combined with accidental anorexia. It's not that I wouldn't eat, it's that I couldn't-big difference, but anorexia nonetheless.
So in my state of mind, if I ever got hungry I would immediately order something, anything, it didn't matter because I had food in my stomach. The item on the menu I wanted was (you guessed it), strawberries dipped in chocolate.
Do you eat these on a regular basis? Does anyone know the reason why they pick steroid, beefed up strawberries? Does trying to bite into it, with chocolate dropping onto your plate and constant napkin use sound like a sexy food item to you? Because it isn't. It's like going to a sushi restaurant and ordering a roll that requires two bites to get down--it's the oddest thing you'll have to do--eat a roll in two bites when the second bite is just picking up the pieces that have strewn all over your plate. This is not the intention of the roll. You don't eat a roll in two bites. You eat it in one. How many times in the paragraph do I have to illustrate this? Do I need to include a picture?
This goes for strawberries, too. Not fun. The purpose is to delicately place a small, chocolate dipped strawberry into the mouth of your loved one, and eat. Not trying to cup your hand under their chin to make sure everything that falls off doesn't go straight to either the table or the floor. Suddenly the two of you aren't laughing, but sort of forcing yourselves to make some kind of noise as to not make the other think that this is just the worst date you've been on, ever.
Also, to Top of the Mark; the lack of lighting is great to set the mood, but please turn on just a small amount of light, and your plates to not feel like the table. Because when we got up to go swing dancing (which I lied about being able to do, when turns out he's an amazing swing dancer), you realize that your entire forearm is covered in chocolate, and spend the next 5 minutes trying to wipe off hard, dried chocolate and accidentally knocking silverware and plates off the table.
Monday, November 10, 2008
In doing all these lowly tasks, one of them involves signing off on the various UPS/FedEx shipments we get. The two FedEx guys are awesome: one is my homeboy (and a raging conspiracy theorist), and the other is an adorable, flirtatious womanizer who winks at me and always puts a smile on my face. I look forward to seeing both of them throughout the day. However, the UPS guy changes almost every trip.
Despite the switching back and forth between delivery guys, there is one thing that remains consistent--they all smell terrible. They do. I'm sorry, but that mixture of cardboard and hard work just does NOT cut it with my nostrils. There is the occasional guy who wears too much cologne to mask the scent, but ultimately there is a big FAIL stamp that goes to these guys (if I can smell sneezes, which are gross, then this scent is debilitating to me).
I know this all sounds mean, but ever since I went to military school I have been keenly aware of these things. You want to look for a breed of terrible, awful stench? Look no further than an acceptence rate of 85% male and 15% female at military school.
My first year I was the one who could not braid her hair (a requirement for recruits if you wanted to keep your long tresses), so I would have it braided and then leave it in for over a week at a time. This is disgusting, and believe it or not, smells gross. I tried washing it through the braids, but I couldn't! In the end I cut my hair and stopped being the smelly kid. But there were girls who were worse than me; Dirty Sanchez, for example (great nickname, eh?). She would leave her used tampons and pads on her desk, throw all her dirty clothes into her closet, and never, ever, wash them--just rotate them. During inspections people would have to run out for a breath of fresh air, run back in and spray a lethal amount of Lysol. I felt bad for the girl's roommate, because this was embarrassing.
We had quite a few of these people. When I became a First Sergeant, I had two boys living together that smelled so badly my eyes would water and I would start dry heaving off the balcony. Thankfully they were men so they could put up with the fiery insults I would curse in between gags. I love them both but GAH.
After going through all of this, I have no tolerance for smelly people. Deodorant, toothbrush/toothpaste, and a shower with soap are not expensive and if you do it correctly, can take under 10 minutes to do everyday. If you can afford an apartment, chances are you can afford some laundry detergent and the occasional trip to the laundromat, too. Maybe go crazy and get everything dry cleaned! I don't know, just stop smelling bad. Same goes for people who cake on the cologne like it's going out of style (MY BROTHER), please stop.
Even though I can say something now, I would feel bad saying to a friend back in the day. Sure, my cadets I could verbally accost but not my friends. Especially ones that are doing me favors, like going to Taco Bell with me during lunch off post out of the blue because the food in the messhall was inedible (there wasn't a stray population in the town I went to military school in. Coincidence? I don't think so).
No one else wanted to go with me, and I was craving something I could put in my stomach that didn't resemble either a) what I had last week or b) cat food. The only person that would go with me was Ron*- he was a new friend with an oily face and bad acne, but hey! I don't judge.
We climb into my little two door turquoise pontiac sunfire and drive off down Main Street. My A/C is blowing because I forgot to turn it off the last time I got out of the car, and my windows are also rolled down slightly. It's cold, but I'm wearing a jacket so I don't pause to think about turning this off until we pull up at the drive-thru.
Me: "What is this doing on? Haha, it's cold isn't it!"
*continues conversation of whatever we were talking about*
Suddenly, about 2 minutes after I turned this off, my nostrils start to twitch. Whatever is lingering in my car is penetrating my nose and forcing itself through the pores. My immediate reaction of blaming the town (which is like a combination of inhaling cow dung and feet) dies down as I turn my head over to the passenger side and notice the smell is eminating from the guy sitting next to me.
Oh. My. God.
"I'm uh...feeling a little hot. I'm just going to roll down this window."
NO! It won't leave! I can't get this out of my short-term memory! My eyes start to water slightly and as we order at the drive-thru and what feels like forever to get the food, I realize they messed up my order horribly. By this time, I just wanted to get the fuck out of the car and get back to my room. "Do you want to share this soda?", he politely offered. "No, no it's...okay", I answered, unable to wrap my mind around sharing anything with someone whose scent made me want to throw myself out of the car, at 60mph.
The moment I got back to my room, I felt sick. Not because I felt bad for having such horrible thoughts about someone, but because that was truly disgusting. I ended up losing my appetite.
The next day I talked to another (nonsmelly) friend about this, and apparently I'm not the only one to notice this. On top of not showering, he also doesn't do his laundry, wacks off into his clothes and doesn't change them, and probably a plethora of other things I'd rather not remember being told. While this wasn't a date, I do know that I later found out he had a thing for me, and that just made it all the more awkward when I would see him around campus.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Notwithstanding, I have noticed that men can be incredibly clever. Despite their faults, they have a great way of manuvering things to go their direction. My brother, for example, is wonderfully witty. He uses more words than most scholars I know, and uses them correctly. But what is more amazing about his quick wit is that he can be the biggest asshole but you still can't help but laugh because it's funny. For example, when I was talking to my mom about Ana and Ria (my two personalities. Yes, I am crazy), my brother interrupts and says, "Are you talking about your GON-Ana-Ria?" Get it? Gonorrhea? I don't have it, but it's still funny. Also, you had to be there (I tell a lot of those on dates).
Now, sometimes being the victim of a witty remark is not only funny, but extremely embarrassing and awkward. Take...last weekend for example.
I am in a weird limbo with someone. Apparently I'm a step above "friends" and a step below "girlfriend". I don't know what this means (or I do, and I don't like to be considered a notch on a bedpost), but I do know that when we're together, we act like we're together. Playtime is nice until someone gets territorial.
When he called me to come over to a bar, I said yes and drove over. The company I was surrounded by before leaving were enjoyable, but falling asleep next to someone you care about is much better than waking up next to someone else thinking "WHY. WHY. WHY." Therapist has cautiously advised I avoid these situations. Sitting at the bar and ordering a beer, he promptly starts up talking to someone sitting on his right side, a chef at a nice french restaurant in town. AKA, I'm being completely ignored for a good 15 minutes. I'll give him a slight benefit of the doubt because he had his hand on me the whole time, making sure I knew that just because he had his back turned, wasn't involving me in the conversation, and not once paused to introduce me, that he had not forgotten about me.
I'm going out to have a cigarette, because I don't like being ignored. It felt like middle school again, where the popular kids would invite you over to the table but totally forget you're there. Outside, I start chatting with a guy who is over here on vacation with his brother from South Hampton, England. They drove up and down the coast, saw Yosemite and have just been enjoying themselves. I'm asking him questions like how he liked San Francisco, where did he stay, favorite places to go in Europe--just general questions.
As we move inside because it's cold, we're talking next to my bar seat and still entertaining ourselves when I hear The Certain Someone (TCS) interrupt us, point to me and exclaim, "She has herpes".
Flustered, between shooting infuriated looks back at TCS and apologetic ones to the nice boy from England, I barely manage to stammer out, "I...don't...I don't have herpes. He's a liar. I don't have them. So what was your favorite part about Spain?" This poor boy, my God. He had no idea what to do. He was looking at TCS like "Is he serious?", and then to me thinking "Does she really?". Finally, his brother came over and we finished up the conversation, I stole TCS's seat and started talking to the chef for the rest of the night with my back turned to TCS (of course, I'm short so this does not work so well).
The next morning I asked, "WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT SHIT".
"Well, I don't know. I thought it was funny. You were laughing! You should have seen the look on your guy's faces. It was hilarious. But I don't know...I was just kind of marking my territory."
If you're going to lie about my health, can you mark your territory with something a little more curable next time? Thanks.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Apparently, I'm not the only one with phone problems. During a brief period a while back, a friend and I turned to each other for the only kind of intimacy a significant other allowed--without the attachment. Yes, we were friends with benefits. Eventually, both of us trailed off in different directions and we're still close friends, but during the intimate part of our friendship his phone (yes, a CHOCOLATE LG) decided it was just too good to keep private from our friends. It did this by, upon letting his phone ring during our...time...together, it redialed the caller back and he heard everything.
Friend: "Dude..were you guys...you know..."
Friend: "I heard it. Your phone called me."
Him: "Why didn't you hang up?"
Do you believe me now? Chocolate LG's should come with a "Do Not Have Sex Around Phone" warning. It's not the owner, it's the phone. And it SUCKS.
However, it is then when I am forced to make the conclusion that it is the people who own the iPhone who are responsible for all /handtoface&*shakeshead* reactions. Because the iPhone is not evil. It has a LIGHTSABER APPLICATION. I'm convinced any piece of technology associated with that amount of awesome simply cannot be a demon in any way, shape or form. Oh don't worry, there have been studies. Mainly my own, and really it's just "study", but that is besides the point.
Now, before you start saying something about iPhones just remember that these phones have OWNERS. Where the LG would do something without touch, the iPhone requires quite a bit of fingerplay in order to "act out", therefore the conclusion is that anything an iPhone does is the complete responsibility of it's handler.
I'm on OkCupid. "What in the bloody hell does that have to do with iPhones and LG sex?!" Now that I have you thoroughly confused, my "study" has to do with someone I went on a date with on the site that has an iPhone. This blog is also whored out on my profile, and he saw and sent me a message saying, "Man, I hope I don't make it on there!".
Liar. You want the attention. You want everyone to know that, after while a successful conversation during dinner, the moment you got into my car and we drove to meet up with my friends for Pub Trivia you started sifting through my glove compartment. When you pulled out three packs of empty Parliment Lights boxes, jokingly accused me of smoking after I told you I quit (I did, in August). When you pulled out and went through my cd collection, and the various pieces of trash I was too lazy to throw away. Or when you pulled out my giant box of tampons I keep in case of emergency. Because showing someone on a first date that you get your period is possibly one of the most romantic things you could do, ever, besides asking if you can go to browntown during dinner...before the appetizer comes out. It's like being polite and not telling everyone what you're going to the bathroom for--as far as I'm concerned, you're checking your makeup. Even the guys.
Now, this isn't to say that while I was totally embarrassed, that it killed my mood to retaliate. Oh no, I'm without shame here. Remember, this blog is about being fabulously awkward--them or me, doesn't matter--it's going to happen regardless.
Back to the point...OkCupid is a great site...kind of. The people who say that are only the ones who have had any luck in finding someone very special. My friend A decribes OkCupid as a place that makes finding someone feel like "finding a needle in a haystack. Only the haystack is made out of poop." In my journal I say that I'm not on there to find dates (which I'm really not), but I decided that one wouldn't hurt and I have nothing to lose because my dignity is long gone. While I'm a one-time OkC dater (okay, twice, but the second one isn't awkward, he's funny in that "you had to be there" way...and I can't tell stories as it is so yeah), but it seems as if this guy...isn't.
But I started going through his phone to get back at him for going through my glove compartment. By this point I wasn't really interested in a second date anyways, but seeing "[insert name] OkCupid" more than once on his address book list was a tad weird. So he's an OkC manwhore...which I can respect only because I'm not dating him. Then I saw a text message conversation about him and this girl going to a bar the next day for a date, and I started offering my suggestions. My girlfriend at the Pub Trivia with us, AC, was absolutely mortified. What?! This is normal for me! I can go through people's personal things if a) I don't care for going on a date with them again or b) they went through my stuff. Or c), which is both and in that case all ethics go out the window.
I thought this might end here. Oh no...the next day, I got a text saying "Hola! Can't wait for tonight!" and then a second one that said..."Whoops, wrong person!"
Kind of reminds me of that time my friend went on a date with a guy who called her accidentally the next day and left a 20 minute long voice message calling me a whore and telling his friend they had sex when they didn't. Want to read about it?
Be sure to listen to the voicemail too. Congratulationsyouareadouche. :D
Monday, October 20, 2008
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Since the power of t3h internetz is so awesome, it was during this short alcoholic period of my life that I could meet and hang out with new people all the time (through Yelp events)--thus ensuring that yes, I could afford to lose some future friends, potential soul mates, etc. Just call me the Queen of Good Ideas. And Bad Sarcasm.
Anyways, onto where I make myself look like a complete ass.
The way I met my ex was through a certain website. No, it's not a dating website, but for all the people that hook up through it, may as well should be. They were holding a charity event, and being the materialistic consumer-whore Generation X has raised, I decided on going with someone who had a motorcycle. Surprisingly enough, he said that he would pay for my ticket, and that we would go to dinner before hand--make it feel like prom really happened (I never went to mine). Throughout the month and a half that would tranverse before the event actually took place, I would regale my friends with just how creepy his picture was, and that I should back out at the last minute, and that I'm probably going to end up as a severed head in his fridge.
Per usual, I was late in showing up at his doorstep. Most the tardiness came from a lack of caring whether or not we even got to the event at all (hell, I didn't pay for anything), and the other part was just me too scared to think about the prospect of being "shown" his private knife collection (which he has...but not for that). Unfortunately for me, the moment I stepped out of the cab and he opened the door to his apartment complex...I fell instantly in lust for this man. Standing in a Hugo Boss black suit with a tie and dress shoes, looking so sharp and handsome that I stood completely dumbfounded in the doorway. My jaw just hung there like...well, like gravity is a bitch and this is really awkward.
Since we were riding on a motorcycle across, of all things dangerous, the Bay Bridge, we limited ourselves to one glass of wine during our very lengthy dinner. During our meal, I picked up right where I left off on the awkward (1. Getting on the motorcycle and saying, "Oh yeah, I love motorcycles, used to have my ex f**k me with his helmet on." Did I need to say that? No). Also, look--just because a guy is good looking, doesn't mean he's gay. Believe me, I tried convincing him he was for two hours during dinner (awkward moment #2).
When we arrived at the event itself, I was not only hot and sweaty from wearing the required garments and carrying all our stuff to put down somewhere, but someone I had just stopped seeing was there as well (awkward moment #3--although he continues to deny to this day that we were seeing each other, only because apparently it doesn't count if we didn't engage in any relations). In an effort to create more tension, I did what any normal petty 21 year old would do--I flirted with my date. A lot. So much so that by the end of the evening, I was sober and feeling very...nervous. Just nervous in general--about saying the wrong thing, about stepping on his feet during a dance, or hell, even just nervous about being on the back of the bike. Either way, by the time we got back to the apartment, I was ready to drink.
Do you know what a bad idea is? To combine anxiety and liquor. I would know--the ex and I dated for a few months, and the feeling never subsided until it was over. Not only did this anxiety prevent me from eating too much, but it also prevented my body from actually absorbing any nutritional content to be used for later in soaking up the liquid effervescent served later on that evening.
He handed me a glass of champagne. I downed it. He handed me the second one. I downed it.
Then I woke up, it was 8am and I was just wearing my underwear.
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
This is what supposedly happened when I blacked out (for the first time in my life):
I passed out on his bed, because that's what alcohol does to me. Waking up at 3am to use the bathroom downstairs, as I was trying to get up I accidentally pulled myself up by a very lightweighted storage shelf that looks similar to this. Needless to say, it came crashing down, along with everything on it (including a glass candle holder that shattered into a million pieces).
As he came rushing downstairs after being jerked from his sleep, he saw as I was walking very slowly, with my hands up to my mouth and eyes wider than ever.
"Are you okay??"
Without responding, I slumped up against the wall (it was a narrow hallway), and slid past him as if he couldn't see me. Apparently, being drunk also means I act like a 4 year old. When I made it back into bed, he tried putting pajamas on me, but I absolutely refused (once again, acting like a 4 year old). Also, we had a hardcore make out session.
I don't remember any of this.
Waking up the next morning, I sat up in bed and had no idea where my clothes went. How did I get here!? What the hell happened last night!? Did we do anything!? No, thank goodness.
Because I'm classy like that.
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Fortunately for me, they invented this magical elixir called Alcohol. This nectar of the Gods is able to take every strange moment and make it not only funny, but completely forgettable the next morning. UNfortunately, it's only forgettable to some, and regrettable for the rest.
Take, for instance, the night my ex and I broke up. After having been told that it was over, I called AC and she told me to come to R Bar in the tendernob-hill area for some warm, fuzzy liquid feelings to perk me back up. I have to say--this bar has to be one of my favorites in the City, despite having only been once. Not only did the bartender serve me drinks right as I was finished without asking, but they played the song, "Damn it feels good to be a Gangsta". Oh yes, yes it did.
Turns out my new single status wasn't the only thing to be celebrated, but also the birthday of AC's long-time friend, Z. After passing on the disgusting fernet shots she pushed in front of me, I was suddenly made aware that Z was Jewish.
Jewish, you say? You're kidding! When you have two Jews meet who are consistently surrounded by either atheists or christans/catholics (or raised as such), suddenly every single inside joke starts to come out. The guilt. The gefilte fish at Passover. The free trip to Israel (neither of us had taken it). We sat there and laughed our asses off for what felt like hours, both of us screaming out we had been "cheated" out of approximately 4,000 dollars and a computer every other Jewish kid our age got when they had their bar/bat mitzvah (neither of us had one).
It was at that point that AC mentioned she wanted to leave, and Z wanted to show us the new apartment two doors down he had just scored. Paying the tab and leaving, going up the elevator and into the door of his (very) small 1 bedroom apartment (/studio?), we were given the "grand" tour.
Out of nowhere, AC decides she wants to leave. I'm absolutely smashed but still coherent, and Z was obliterated. Apparently, when you drink your mind moves about half the pace it normally does. I know this because in the time that it took my brain to process AC was leaving, she had already gone out the door, down the stairs, and Z made a furious move on me. It was like he was attacking me with his mouth, and not the pleasant kind.
I kept stopping him. "You know, we should...:smooch: probably not...:smooch:...cause you know...:smooch:...just broken...:smooch:...my..ex...:smooch:..." I swear this lasted at least a good 15 minutes.
Suddenly, I couldn't take it anymore and jerked up in bed, grabbed my purse, yelling "I have to go! Sorry! I'm really sorry! This is really awkward, I'm sorry!"
I ran to my car, started bawling and didn't leave until I started sobering up. Actually, I think I was pretty fucking sober by this point, and I'm pretty sure that crying just allows alcohol to eject itself from your tearducts or something.
Last weekend I was at the kareoke bar in Nob Hill (see first entry), and I turn around to see Z passing me.
AC: "Do you remember her? The makeout/freakout in your apartment a few months ago?"
Z: "I don't remember going to that bar, actually."
Off the hook!
Note to self: make sure if you go out with AC's friends, that no one is having a birthday. It seems as though I end up making out with the birthday boy almost every single time (2 out of 3). Stop using me, or at least buy me a drink!
Monday, October 13, 2008
This has created some awkward moments, in all aspects of my life. However, there are some ground rules as to what taboo topics are fine and which are off limits.
- Racism. Don't lie, you think it's hilarious even if you don't mean it.
- Sexism. Last night I said to my straight-gay boyfriend (SGB) after he told me my makeup gave me the "two black eyes" look--"Nothing no one has already told me twice!"
- Hipsters. No explanation needed.
- Frat boys and the sluts who sleep with them.
- Me. (no, I'm not under the "sluts" category, assholes. But you can joke that I am)
The list can go on and on, but I don't want to paint this picture that I'm some excessively bigoted individual, because I'm not. I just know when to have a sense of humor. But there are very few topics that are totally off-limits to me:
- Anything about God and Jesus. You can make the joke, but I sure as hell am not going to laugh at it. There is a backstory that I'll spare you of, but just know that it involves a sudden burst of wind knocking over a gigantic branch that landed right where I was standing not 2 seconds before.
- Anything about the Holocaust. Say what you want about big noses (if all my Jewish exes have, then you can too), but the Holocaust is out.
- My therapist.
Yes, my therapist. You are not allowed to poke fun, hint at, or even seriously put down my therapist or the decisions I make based on the (expensive) discussions I have had with him. Unfortunately, there was a date who just didn't get that.
Enter: Pink Shirt Guy. I named him that because on our first date, he wore a stripped pink collared shirt and popped it. He might have just been wearing this. I'm all for that kind of thing if it was Breast Cancer Awareness Month (October, go support!), but it was July and that shit just doesn't fly with me.
For our third date (surprised it lasted that long), he took me to a nice restaurant on the Peninsula that served less-than-average "Italian" food. Having just finished a photo shoot for a friend, I was tired as hell and just wanted to go to sleep. It sounds a tad trashy to be complaining about being taken out to a nice dinner, but in all honesty the only reason I accepted was because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Am I bragging? No. It was just clear that we weren't compatible, and he wasn't getting it, and I'm a nice (but stupid) person.
Halfway into the dinner, we started to divulge in the reason why I was trying to push him away--because I just wasn't ready for a relationship. Yes, it wasn't just about incompatibility, but also my heart was broken and the wound was still fresh. How do you explain that to someone you've been on three dates with? First of all, you don't. Second of all, you stop going on dates with him! Learn how to say no! Also, get a therapist (and actually listen to him).
"Look, I really appreciate everything, Pink Shirt Guy, but really, I just don't think I'm ready to go any further with this." (further than what? We made out. Once. Wooooo...)
"Is that what your therapist said?"
"It's something that, through many discussions, I have decided is the best idea for me to do right now."
"Alright, well you know the reason why he told you that right? So he could sleep with you."
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
"Wait, wait--what did you just say? So he could sleep with me? He has no interest in me! Why am I even explaining this to you!?"
Then I ordered the most expensive dessert out of spite, sat dumbfounded, and he just continued on with his theory about how my therapist wants to sleep with me.
Once we got outside, I fumbled around for my pack of cigarettes, handed him one (he smoked, but never inhaled), and smoked furiously for the next 5 minutes. As he kept inching closer and closer to kiss me, I finally blurted out:
"Stop. Right there. Just, stop. I don't feel like being close to anyone right now. Very...uh...claustrophobic...right now. Yeah."
The next week he tried texting me to come over (he said he was "done with dinners, let's get drunk at my place so I can roofie your drink". Okay, I made that roofie part up, but I'm sure he was going to do it). I told him I was busy and never heard from him again.
Then I fooled around with my therapist.
To be fair, I was wearing a t-shirt from Pier 39 that had, "I *insert recycling symbol here* BOYS" plastered across my chest. It was 15 dollars and supposed to be a joke. Plus, I hadn't been home since Friday morning and ran out of clean clothes to wear. However, in no way should this have precipitated anything more than a reason to make a quick glance at my chest.
The night started out routine, in where I arrive, pay for my own first drink and hope that the alcohol I consumed pre-bar kicks in and spending 6.50 for a crappy vodka & tonic would be justified. Standing with a group of friends and awaiting my turn to sing, this tall gentlemen kept looking in my direction. Fine, it's nice to be stared at sometimes. Then AC comes up and mentions how he is the roommate of a friend of hers, and would I like to be fixed up. "You know what, he's tall, I'll give it a shot" (fact: I love tall men, preferably 6'3'' to 6'6'').
Note to self: when your friends offer something nice like that, make sure they aren't drunk, because mine were. I was led to the bar in a non-discreet fashion, and suddenly Tall Guy appears and offers a drink. Do you turn down free drinks? No, it's just rude. Just as he was about to strike up a conversation (I think we got to introducing ourselves), my song came on. It is widely known that "my song" to sing in kareoke bars is "All I Want for Christmas is You", by Mariah Carey. I can't hit the high notes, and I have the lung capacity of an 80 year old man who has been smoking 2 packs of unfiltered Lucky Strikes a day his whole life, but it's still my favorite song until Christmas actually rolls around.
The moment I got off the stage, admist obligatory praise from my friends (don't worry, I love it), he acts as if I could have been Mariah Carey herself. Really? Gee...thanks. I'm just going to walk...over here now. Oh, shots at the bar courtesy of your roommate? Anything to keep me in this conversation, sure why not.
We slam down our shots, and that is when the turtle walked into the bar and everyone waited for it to crawl to the other side of the room. How do you respond to that? How!? "Um, yeah, I'm a total slut. See? I bought the t-shirt to prove it". It might have been in bad taste to buy in the first place, but putting a cherry on top of the awkward sundae is just a no-no. Thankfully, my friends decided a few minutes later that they wanted to leave, and I sprinted out the door. He called me the next day, and set up a sushi date. At the suggestion of my therapist, I broke it off and told him it just wasn't a good time for me. (Fact: Yes, I have a therapist. You don't honestly believe I get through these awkward moments without some mental health checkups, do you?)
Look- there are very few times when a funny tshirt is acceptable to point out. For example, I wore a shirt based on this comic, and I walked around Fry's Electronics just waiting for someone to hit on me. It didn't matter if there was any interest--I just wanted to attract nerds so I could have something to talk about. If your shirt has a punchline designed for a specific interest group, inevitably, you're going to find someone who comes up to you and strikes up a conversation. Like with my shirt: from there we'd able to branch out into different distros, html codes, then to arguing who hates Vista more...and eventually, we will have had a great chat, and in the end at least we made a new friend.
If you are wearing something like this, then rest assured you are getting a fake number. What legend? World's Smallest Penis? Do you have tiny hands, is that why it looks so big to you? WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT!?
It goes without saying that the shirts you find in Pac Sun, Hollister, Hot Topic, et al, are truly unacceptable for anyplace other than the frat house. We are all grown-up now, kiddies, and it's about time we stop wearing shirts that say "Tastes like Chicken" on it. We all know what it tastes like, thanks for sharing.
Thankfully, there are places out there on t3h internetz that are designed to help the fashion-challenged graduate into adults. One site in particular is run by a very good friend of mine, Karl. Not only does he have a site completely devoted to awesome shirts, but he also loves all things Star Wars and has traveled all over the world. Oh, and he's British. And single. Go buy one of his shirts, and then go forth into the dating world.
I've never been able to end these things at all clever, so uh...
wow this is awkward.