guys + phones = ???

I hate my phone. There, I said it. The little demon is also known as the Chocolate LG from Verizon, and there is a theory that the company puts out a shit phone to purposefully break down once every 9-11 months, thus forcing you to replace it or buy their insurance protection plan. Am I going to get sued because of this post? If anything, I should be suing them for the awkward moments their crappy products create. Unfortunately, these came out about a couple months before the iPhones made their way onto the scene, and since then have been stuck with pining after Apple's illustrious and newest technological whore until my 2 year contract ends (next month, FTW).

Apparently, I'm not the only one with phone problems. During a brief period a while back, a friend and I turned to each other for the only kind of intimacy a significant other allowed--without the attachment. Yes, we were friends with benefits. Eventually, both of us trailed off in different directions and we're still close friends, but during the intimate part of our friendship his phone (yes, a CHOCOLATE LG) decided it was just too good to keep private from our friends. It did this by, upon letting his phone ring during our...time...together, it redialed the caller back and he heard everything.

Friend: "Dude..were you guys...you know..."
Him: "Uh..why?"
Friend: "I heard it. Your phone called me."
Him: "Why didn't you hang up?"

Do you believe me now? Chocolate LG's should come with a "Do Not Have Sex Around Phone" warning. It's not the owner, it's the phone. And it SUCKS.

However, it is then when I am forced to make the conclusion that it is the people who own the iPhone who are responsible for all /handtoface&*shakeshead* reactions. Because the iPhone is not evil. It has a LIGHTSABER APPLICATION. I'm convinced any piece of technology associated with that amount of awesome simply cannot be a demon in any way, shape or form. Oh don't worry, there have been studies. Mainly my own, and really it's just "study", but that is besides the point.

Now, before you start saying something about iPhones just remember that these phones have OWNERS. Where the LG would do something without touch, the iPhone requires quite a bit of fingerplay in order to "act out", therefore the conclusion is that anything an iPhone does is the complete responsibility of it's handler.

I'm on OkCupid. "What in the bloody hell does that have to do with iPhones and LG sex?!" Now that I have you thoroughly confused, my "study" has to do with someone I went on a date with on the site that has an iPhone. This blog is also whored out on my profile, and he saw and sent me a message saying, "Man, I hope I don't make it on there!".

Liar. You want the attention. You want everyone to know that, after while a successful conversation during dinner, the moment you got into my car and we drove to meet up with my friends for Pub Trivia you started sifting through my glove compartment. When you pulled out three packs of empty Parliment Lights boxes, jokingly accused me of smoking after I told you I quit (I did, in August). When you pulled out and went through my cd collection, and the various pieces of trash I was too lazy to throw away. Or when you pulled out my giant box of tampons I keep in case of emergency. Because showing someone on a first date that you get your period is possibly one of the most romantic things you could do, ever, besides asking if you can go to browntown during dinner...before the appetizer comes out. It's like being polite and not telling everyone what you're going to the bathroom for--as far as I'm concerned, you're checking your makeup. Even the guys.

Now, this isn't to say that while I was totally embarrassed, that it killed my mood to retaliate. Oh no, I'm without shame here. Remember, this blog is about being fabulously awkward--them or me, doesn't matter--it's going to happen regardless.

Back to the point...OkCupid is a great site...kind of. The people who say that are only the ones who have had any luck in finding someone very special. My friend A decribes OkCupid as a place that makes finding someone feel like "finding a needle in a haystack. Only the haystack is made out of poop." In my journal I say that I'm not on there to find dates (which I'm really not), but I decided that one wouldn't hurt and I have nothing to lose because my dignity is long gone. While I'm a one-time OkC dater (okay, twice, but the second one isn't awkward, he's funny in that "you had to be there" way...and I can't tell stories as it is so yeah), but it seems as if this guy...isn't.

But I started going through his phone to get back at him for going through my glove compartment. By this point I wasn't really interested in a second date anyways, but seeing "[insert name] OkCupid" more than once on his address book list was a tad weird. So he's an OkC manwhore...which I can respect only because I'm not dating him. Then I saw a text message conversation about him and this girl going to a bar the next day for a date, and I started offering my suggestions. My girlfriend at the Pub Trivia with us, AC, was absolutely mortified. What?! This is normal for me! I can go through people's personal things if a) I don't care for going on a date with them again or b) they went through my stuff. Or c), which is both and in that case all ethics go out the window.

I thought this might end here. Oh no...the next day, I got a text saying "Hola! Can't wait for tonight!" and then a second one that said..."Whoops, wrong person!"

Kind of reminds me of that time my friend went on a date with a guy who called her accidentally the next day and left a 20 minute long voice message calling me a whore and telling his friend they had sex when they didn't. Want to read about it?

http://datingismiserable.com/?p=3

Be sure to listen to the voicemail too. Congratulationsyouareadouche. :D

the way to my heart is through my therapist

These days, everything is a joke to me. No matter how weird, un-amusing, un-funny, awkward the jokes are, more than likely I have either a) made them, or b) laughed at them. Oh, I'm sorry--we're you being serious about that? Let me just finish laughing...

This has created some awkward moments, in all aspects of my life. However, there are some ground rules as to what taboo topics are fine and which are off limits.

Okay topics:

• Racism. Don't lie, you think it's hilarious even if you don't mean it.
• Sexism. Last night I said to my straight-gay boyfriend (SGB) after he told me my makeup gave me the "two black eyes" look--"Nothing no one has already told me twice!"
• Hipsters. No explanation needed.
• Frat boys and the sluts who sleep with them.
• Me. (no, I'm not under the "sluts" category, assholes. But you can joke that I am)

The list can go on and on, but I don't want to paint this picture that I'm some excessively bigoted individual, because I'm not. I just know when to have a sense of humor. But there are very few topics that are totally off-limits to me:

• Anything about God and Jesus. You can make the joke, but I sure as hell am not going to laugh at it. There is a backstory that I'll spare you of, but just know that it involves a sudden burst of wind knocking over a gigantic branch that landed right where I was standing not 2 seconds before.
• Anything about the Holocaust. Say what you want about big noses (if all my Jewish exes have, then you can too), but the Holocaust is out.
• My therapist.

"Wait...what?"

Yes, my therapist. You are not allowed to poke fun, hint at, or even seriously put down my therapist or the decisions I make based on the (expensive) discussions I have had with him. Unfortunately, there was a date who just didn't get that.

Enter: Pink Shirt Guy. I named him that because on our first date, he wore a stripped pink collared shirt and popped it. He might have just been wearing this. I'm all for that kind of thing if it was Breast Cancer Awareness Month (October, go support!), but it was July and that shit just doesn't fly with me.

For our third date (surprised it lasted that long), he took me to a nice restaurant on the Peninsula that served less-than-average "Italian" food. Having just finished a photo shoot for a friend, I was tired as hell and just wanted to go to sleep. It sounds a tad trashy to be complaining about being taken out to a nice dinner, but in all honesty the only reason I accepted was because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Am I bragging? No. It was just clear that we weren't compatible, and he wasn't getting it, and I'm a nice (but stupid) person.

Halfway into the dinner, we started to divulge in the reason why I was trying to push him away--because I just wasn't ready for a relationship. Yes, it wasn't just about incompatibility, but also my heart was broken and the wound was still fresh. How do you explain that to someone you've been on three dates with? First of all, you don't. Second of all, you stop going on dates with him! Learn how to say no! Also, get a therapist (and actually listen to him).

"Look, I really appreciate everything, Pink Shirt Guy, but really, I just don't think I'm ready to go any further with this." (further than what? We made out. Once. Wooooo...)
"Is that what your therapist said?"
"It's something that, through many discussions, I have decided is the best idea for me to do right now."
"Alright, well you know the reason why he told you that right? So he could sleep with you."

...

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

"Wait, wait--what did you just say? So he could sleep with me? He has no interest in me! Why am I even explaining this to you!?"

Then I ordered the most expensive dessert out of spite, sat dumbfounded, and he just continued on with his theory about how my therapist wants to sleep with me.

Once we got outside, I fumbled around for my pack of cigarettes, handed him one (he smoked, but never inhaled), and smoked furiously for the next 5 minutes. As he kept inching closer and closer to kiss me, I finally blurted out:

"Stop. Right there. Just, stop. I don't feel like being close to anyone right now. Very...uh...claustrophobic...right now. Yeah."

The next week he tried texting me to come over (he said he was "done with dinners, let's get drunk at my place so I can roofie your drink". Okay, I made that roofie part up, but I'm sure he was going to do it). I told him I was busy and never heard from him again.

Then I fooled around with my therapist.

KIDDING.