Monday, November 10, 2008

we need some febreeze, STAT

At work, I am the office bitch. I take care of all the menial tasks that no one else wants to deal with; answering phones, fixing the copiers, cleaning the broken wine glass from the bottom of the dishwasher because some stupid asshole doesn't know how to load them even though they're married and over the age of 30...those kind of things. Don't get me wrong I love my coworkers, but sometimes I want to rip their heads off.

In doing all these lowly tasks, one of them involves signing off on the various UPS/FedEx shipments we get. The two FedEx guys are awesome: one is my homeboy (and a raging conspiracy theorist), and the other is an adorable, flirtatious womanizer who winks at me and always puts a smile on my face. I look forward to seeing both of them throughout the day. However, the UPS guy changes almost every trip.

Despite the switching back and forth between delivery guys, there is one thing that remains consistent--they all smell terrible. They do. I'm sorry, but that mixture of cardboard and hard work just does NOT cut it with my nostrils. There is the occasional guy who wears too much cologne to mask the scent, but ultimately there is a big FAIL stamp that goes to these guys (if I can smell sneezes, which are gross, then this scent is debilitating to me).

I know this all sounds mean, but ever since I went to military school I have been keenly aware of these things. You want to look for a breed of terrible, awful stench? Look no further than an acceptence rate of 85% male and 15% female at military school.

My first year I was the one who could not braid her hair (a requirement for recruits if you wanted to keep your long tresses), so I would have it braided and then leave it in for over a week at a time. This is disgusting, and believe it or not, smells gross. I tried washing it through the braids, but I couldn't! In the end I cut my hair and stopped being the smelly kid. But there were girls who were worse than me; Dirty Sanchez, for example (great nickname, eh?). She would leave her used tampons and pads on her desk, throw all her dirty clothes into her closet, and never, ever, wash them--just rotate them. During inspections people would have to run out for a breath of fresh air, run back in and spray a lethal amount of Lysol. I felt bad for the girl's roommate, because this was embarrassing.

We had quite a few of these people. When I became a First Sergeant, I had two boys living together that smelled so badly my eyes would water and I would start dry heaving off the balcony. Thankfully they were men so they could put up with the fiery insults I would curse in between gags. I love them both but GAH.

After going through all of this, I have no tolerance for smelly people. Deodorant, toothbrush/toothpaste, and a shower with soap are not expensive and if you do it correctly, can take under 10 minutes to do everyday. If you can afford an apartment, chances are you can afford some laundry detergent and the occasional trip to the laundromat, too. Maybe go crazy and get everything dry cleaned! I don't know, just stop smelling bad. Same goes for people who cake on the cologne like it's going out of style (MY BROTHER), please stop.

Even though I can say something now, I would feel bad saying to a friend back in the day. Sure, my cadets I could verbally accost but not my friends. Especially ones that are doing me favors, like going to Taco Bell with me during lunch off post out of the blue because the food in the messhall was inedible (there wasn't a stray population in the town I went to military school in. Coincidence? I don't think so).

No one else wanted to go with me, and I was craving something I could put in my stomach that didn't resemble either a) what I had last week or b) cat food. The only person that would go with me was Ron*- he was a new friend with an oily face and bad acne, but hey! I don't judge.

We climb into my little two door turquoise pontiac sunfire and drive off down Main Street. My A/C is blowing because I forgot to turn it off the last time I got out of the car, and my windows are also rolled down slightly. It's cold, but I'm wearing a jacket so I don't pause to think about turning this off until we pull up at the drive-thru.

Me: "What is this doing on? Haha, it's cold isn't it!"
*continues conversation of whatever we were talking about*

Suddenly, about 2 minutes after I turned this off, my nostrils start to twitch. Whatever is lingering in my car is penetrating my nose and forcing itself through the pores. My immediate reaction of blaming the town (which is like a combination of inhaling cow dung and feet) dies down as I turn my head over to the passenger side and notice the smell is eminating from the guy sitting next to me.

Oh. My. God.

"I'm uh...feeling a little hot. I'm just going to roll down this window."

NO! It won't leave! I can't get this out of my short-term memory! My eyes start to water slightly and as we order at the drive-thru and what feels like forever to get the food, I realize they messed up my order horribly. By this time, I just wanted to get the fuck out of the car and get back to my room. "Do you want to share this soda?", he politely offered. "No, no it's...okay", I answered, unable to wrap my mind around sharing anything with someone whose scent made me want to throw myself out of the car, at 60mph.

The moment I got back to my room, I felt sick. Not because I felt bad for having such horrible thoughts about someone, but because that was truly disgusting. I ended up losing my appetite.

The next day I talked to another (nonsmelly) friend about this, and apparently I'm not the only one to notice this. On top of not showering, he also doesn't do his laundry, wacks off into his clothes and doesn't change them, and probably a plethora of other things I'd rather not remember being told. While this wasn't a date, I do know that I later found out he had a thing for me, and that just made it all the more awkward when I would see him around campus.


Anonymous said...

He jerked off into his clothes? Did he tell you this, or was it just apparent?

Chaime said...

No, his roommates found out, who I happened to be friends with. ewwww :(

David C. Garcia said...

I mean, I suppose that's cool as long as the clothes are washed afterwards.