Tuesday, October 28, 2008

guys + phones = ???

I hate my phone. There, I said it. The little demon is also known as the Chocolate LG from Verizon, and there is a theory that the company puts out a shit phone to purposefully break down once every 9-11 months, thus forcing you to replace it or buy their insurance protection plan. Am I going to get sued because of this post? If anything, I should be suing them for the awkward moments their crappy products create. Unfortunately, these came out about a couple months before the iPhones made their way onto the scene, and since then have been stuck with pining after Apple's illustrious and newest technological whore until my 2 year contract ends (next month, FTW).

Apparently, I'm not the only one with phone problems. During a brief period a while back, a friend and I turned to each other for the only kind of intimacy a significant other allowed--without the attachment. Yes, we were friends with benefits. Eventually, both of us trailed off in different directions and we're still close friends, but during the intimate part of our friendship his phone (yes, a CHOCOLATE LG) decided it was just too good to keep private from our friends. It did this by, upon letting his phone ring during our...time...together, it redialed the caller back and he heard everything.

Friend: "Dude..were you guys...you know..."
Him: "Uh..why?"
Friend: "I heard it. Your phone called me."
Him: "Why didn't you hang up?"

Do you believe me now? Chocolate LG's should come with a "Do Not Have Sex Around Phone" warning. It's not the owner, it's the phone. And it SUCKS.

However, it is then when I am forced to make the conclusion that it is the people who own the iPhone who are responsible for all /handtoface&*shakeshead* reactions. Because the iPhone is not evil. It has a LIGHTSABER APPLICATION. I'm convinced any piece of technology associated with that amount of awesome simply cannot be a demon in any way, shape or form. Oh don't worry, there have been studies. Mainly my own, and really it's just "study", but that is besides the point.

Now, before you start saying something about iPhones just remember that these phones have OWNERS. Where the LG would do something without touch, the iPhone requires quite a bit of fingerplay in order to "act out", therefore the conclusion is that anything an iPhone does is the complete responsibility of it's handler.

I'm on OkCupid. "What in the bloody hell does that have to do with iPhones and LG sex?!" Now that I have you thoroughly confused, my "study" has to do with someone I went on a date with on the site that has an iPhone. This blog is also whored out on my profile, and he saw and sent me a message saying, "Man, I hope I don't make it on there!".

Liar. You want the attention. You want everyone to know that, after while a successful conversation during dinner, the moment you got into my car and we drove to meet up with my friends for Pub Trivia you started sifting through my glove compartment. When you pulled out three packs of empty Parliment Lights boxes, jokingly accused me of smoking after I told you I quit (I did, in August). When you pulled out and went through my cd collection, and the various pieces of trash I was too lazy to throw away. Or when you pulled out my giant box of tampons I keep in case of emergency. Because showing someone on a first date that you get your period is possibly one of the most romantic things you could do, ever, besides asking if you can go to browntown during dinner...before the appetizer comes out. It's like being polite and not telling everyone what you're going to the bathroom for--as far as I'm concerned, you're checking your makeup. Even the guys.

Now, this isn't to say that while I was totally embarrassed, that it killed my mood to retaliate. Oh no, I'm without shame here. Remember, this blog is about being fabulously awkward--them or me, doesn't matter--it's going to happen regardless.

Back to the point...OkCupid is a great site...kind of. The people who say that are only the ones who have had any luck in finding someone very special. My friend A decribes OkCupid as a place that makes finding someone feel like "finding a needle in a haystack. Only the haystack is made out of poop." In my journal I say that I'm not on there to find dates (which I'm really not), but I decided that one wouldn't hurt and I have nothing to lose because my dignity is long gone. While I'm a one-time OkC dater (okay, twice, but the second one isn't awkward, he's funny in that "you had to be there" way...and I can't tell stories as it is so yeah), but it seems as if this guy...isn't.

But I started going through his phone to get back at him for going through my glove compartment. By this point I wasn't really interested in a second date anyways, but seeing "[insert name] OkCupid" more than once on his address book list was a tad weird. So he's an OkC manwhore...which I can respect only because I'm not dating him. Then I saw a text message conversation about him and this girl going to a bar the next day for a date, and I started offering my suggestions. My girlfriend at the Pub Trivia with us, AC, was absolutely mortified. What?! This is normal for me! I can go through people's personal things if a) I don't care for going on a date with them again or b) they went through my stuff. Or c), which is both and in that case all ethics go out the window.

I thought this might end here. Oh no...the next day, I got a text saying "Hola! Can't wait for tonight!" and then a second one that said..."Whoops, wrong person!"

Kind of reminds me of that time my friend went on a date with a guy who called her accidentally the next day and left a 20 minute long voice message calling me a whore and telling his friend they had sex when they didn't. Want to read about it?


Be sure to listen to the voicemail too. Congratulationsyouareadouche. :D


Keane said...

Pretentious people own pretentious things.

Chaime said...

Does that make me pretentious if the only reason I want an iPhone is so a) I don't get lost and b) so I could wave it around like a lightsaber?

Brandon J. Carr said...

I use the lightsaber application pretty much daily. I use that application more than I use the PHONE part of the iPhone.